so there's this guy

Maintaining the form of previous posts, I shall begin with a preface.

Preface: I know emotions are fleeting, and I know I'm a weird hormone-y teenager, yada yada yada. I know I'm probably going to look back at this post at some point and regret writing it. I know to Future Kate I'll come off as a pathetic and flitty child, and that's fine with Current Kate. No one reads this, so I can say what I want. If anyone ever finds it, well...I don't think anyone's ever going to find it, so GOTCHA.

Anyway.

So there's this guy. I was in England for three weeks, and 6 days before I left I met this guy. (He will be referred to as This Guy, or TG from this point on. You have been warned.) I met him for the first time at a church activity on Wednesday evening, then saw him again on Friday when this other guy, TG, and I drove about two and a half hours to go to a thing in a different city. In the car the three of us talked about everything. We talked about so many things and I had only just met them once, briefly, before then. It was so fun. The next day I saw TG again at an event/graduation of sorts. I think I was too aware of where he was at any given time. Then again, for someone such as myself (who has never really felt inclined to pay special attention to any guys in particular before) any amount of attention I'm paying a guy feels like hyper-attention.

So there's this guy. On Sunday after lunch, TG and his family came over to the house of the people I was staying with (who were old family friends from when we lived in England whilst I was a child). They brought their dog, and we all sat in the backyard and talked and played fetch. The weather was really nice. Then we all went on a walk. TG and I walked together and talked the whole time and I felt like I'd known him for ages. I don't really know why. Back at the house, we had pancakes for dinner (side note: I don't know why people don't do that more often. It's amazing). He knows how to make roses out of napkins, and later he asked me if I wanted the one he made after dinner. He played the piano for a while, and he's fantastic at it. He made it seem so effortless and it was beautiful. After that all of us played games in the living room. I hate to say that TG and I had chemistry, but there was chemistry. Before they all left we talked some more upstairs while the others congregated downstairs.

So there's this guy. On Monday, my last day, I didn't have plans. To cut to the chase, I took a train to the town where TG lives and we coordinated that he would meet me after he got off of work. Brief summary. There was loads of walking and talking. We went bowling and went to a park. He showed me his old primary school and these woods behind it where there's this outdoor-classroom-thing with a circle of benches and logs. We talked until it was dark. His mom drove me home later because it was really late to take a train. He came on the car ride back, and we talked more, but also sort of sat in silence a lot. It was nice. I had my seat leaned all the way back, and he let me use his jacket as a blanket since I was cold. (I know, I was a cliche. Move on.)

So there's this guy. I thought about him when I was at the airport, and I wished he was there so I could talk to him in person and fall asleep leaning on his shoulder. This whole situation makes me feel pathetic and not like myself at all. I mean, I wrote a friggin poem about him on the plane (the one from the previous post, actually). I got that paper rose all the way back home without crushing it. He messaged me recordings of songs he had written and just played, and I listed to them on repeat on the plane.

So there's this guy. We've kept in contact ever since I got back. We've messaged and facetimed, I sent him a letter and he's sending one in return. There's this guy who lives almost 5,000 miles away from me. He makes me laugh, and he seems just as interested in talking to me as I do to him. I haven't even known him for a month, but I miss him loads. I just want to spend a day walking and talking again. I want to hold his hand or just sit next to him or kiss him or something. I don't know this new version of my brain. The Kate who has a real human person to think about and have like weirdly innocent fantasies about. Ew, well I'm never saying that sentence again.

So there's this guy. I don't know when I'll see him again. I don't know if he likes me. But, to quote a second grade girl, "I like him. Like, I like like him." Screw everything. My brain was easier to deal with when I was the most perpetually alone person in the city.

the clouds above the sea

it's been hours, yet I miss you—
every smile and every note,
every silly pun you mentioned,
every song your fingers wrote.
I could hear you sing for hours
but it seems I've lost the time,
so I'm smelling paper flowers
and still wishing you were mine.
my heart is quilted gold with dreams,
the sky is draped in blue,
this ink bleeds black with stories—
every page turns back to you.
and I know I'm being foolish
when I dream you think of me
as I sail back through the sky
on the clouds above the sea