I'm watching all my friends turn into adults, into people with grown up faces and jobs and consequences. I guess they're watching the same out of me.
I'm back home, back in this room, in this house, on this computer with a broken keyboard and a touchscreen that doesn't work. I miss the music of Philmont, how easy it was to live there. I felt so calm and full and now I don't and I'm scared.
My best friend is leaving tomorrow morning. She's taking her belongings and driving to Tulane and starting college. I'll be here still.
My brother got back from his mission and now he's in the house and it feels sort of like he never left but also like nothing is the same as it was. We're all so different. Taller and older with more life inside the memories in our heads. He's leaving for college next week. I'll be here still.
My boyfriend lives in Wisconsin. I met him at Philmont and neither of us wanted to call it when we both left. But now he might call it and I haven't heard from him all day and this is awful, I'm lovesick. I think we should call it. I love him, and I know that. I know love might mean something different to me years from now and I know this may seem dumb in hindsight, but we were in love, maybe still are. I feel like he's slipping away from me and my chest hurts and sometimes I convince myself it wasn't anything, just a fling, just a stolen romance. But then I think about him and what we were and what I wish we could be and he's everything in my head again, he's crammed into my chest and conducting my heartbeat with his lovely musical hands. I think about calling it and I'm crying because it hurts yknow? It hurts that I'm losing him and I've lost him and I know it'll work out somehow, like I know it will but I don't want to let go of him yet. Of this. Of us. And, UGH, I love him. I want him to be happy and if that means being happy with someone else then that's fine. That's fine.
have you ever been in love?
I love my best friend. I love her. She's been there for me through so many things. We've laughed so much about so many things. We've been through so much. She always knows what to say, she supports me and I support her. I'm lucky to have her.
I love my brother. We never really got along growing up and we're still different now, but I love him. I'm glad he's my brother, I'm glad I've gotten to watch him grow up.
I love my boyfriend, even though it's slipping and I hate the word boyfriend and I know we'll move on soon and be happy with other people. He's made me so happy and been there for me when I needed and given me a relationship that feels like home. I'll miss that.
have you ever been in love?
Yes, though who really knows what that means. I just know it hurts.
