I guess it's been a second since I posted anything, and I guess that's okay.
Come December, I'll have had this blog for 2 years. This is my unofficial mission statement from my first post back in 2015:
"If I write something on this blog everyday I might connect the dots of my life and sew something coherent with the broken threads.
How poetic, kate. Shut up."
Needless to say, I haven't written something here everyday because I've been alive, and life isn't consistent. I haven't connected the dots of my life. I'm not entirely sure what she means by that, but I'm pretty sure I'd feel more at peace if I had. Nothing is coherent. Everything is just some flashing ocean of feelings and analytics of said feelings winding together and punching me in the face and wrapping me up in wool all the time. I'll tell you what I have done since then, though. Most of it isn't in order because don't the years just blur together?
I've written a lot of short stories, a lot of poetry. I went to San Antonio for an art contest. I got my drivers licence. I spent a spring break in New York and saw 4 Broadway shows. I spent 3 weeks in England, where I felt so at peace I never wanted to leave again. I had my first kiss there. I've had emotional trouble with more than one boy. I cut my hair for a play. I was lead in all the plays my senior year of high school. I won best actress at the district one act competition. I've driven around all night with my best friend and laughed so hard I could barely breathe. I've watched beautiful movies and rewatched movies I'd already seen several times over. I'm in the process of writing two languages for my book, and I've drawn maps and worked on characters and scenes and plots all the time. I did rayado, which was so hard and so worth it. I've stood on a mountain as the sun came over the horizon and watched the world wake up from miles up in the sky. I've taken important exams over material I didn't know existed until the morning of. I applied to colleges and decided to go to Sarah Lawrence College in New York. I flew up there to visit their campus by myself in the spring of senior year. I submitted my mission papers. I've made friends, lost friends, have been lost by friends. I spent 2 days alone in the woods on rayado with nothing but the world and my own thoughts. I got a flat tire while driving to Taos from Philmont. I graduated high school as number 8 in my class of almost 700. I've cried and cried for reasons I couldn't put into words, as well as for reasons I could. I've questioned friendships. I've had panic attacks. I got my mission call to the Sweden Stockholm mission. I've made out with someone a lot and, like, really enjoyed it. I've stayed up all night talking and looking at the stars. I fell in love. I've danced under the stars to jazz music on a portable speaker. I've been real cliff rock climbing. I've written letters to people and never sent them. I've been late to seminary more times than I can count. I've done Secret Santas. I was a Stake YCL at Girl's Camp. I've been to the funeral of a girl I knew who was in a car wreck. I've held the hand of a crying girl when they read the name of of someone at graduation who had just died. I've walked my dogs tons of times. I've laid out in the grass of my front yard and let the sun send me to sleep. I wore a push-up bra and stilettos in the musical. I've mowed a lot of lawns, pet a lot of dogs, listened to a lot of music. I've had my heart broken. I've hiked so many miles and seen so many deer. I worked at Philmont. I sang in closing campfire almost every night and got up to work in housekeeping almost every morning. I've gotten two tickets while driving. I went down to Houston and Orange Texas to help with Hurricane Harvey clean up. I've called and face timed friends in other states. I've been to 2 concerts. I've done photo shoots, and people I've never met have told me I'm beautiful. I've given talks in church. I've fallen in love with acting and singing and performing. I cut all my hair off to my chin just because I could. I realised I didn't want to live without some kind of dance in my life for college and afterwards. I've questioned my ability to write and act and dance and succeed. I've learned to love myself, though not consistently as I will maybe someday. I've become friends with old teachers and adults. I've gotten in numerous fights with my mother. I've seen a lot of plays. I've eaten a lot of good food. I slept in the bed of a pickup truck on the side of the road in New Mexico. I've watched friends go off to school and missions. I've seen my brother come home from a mission. I accidentally learned the entirety of All Star by Smashmouth. I voluntarily learned the entirety of Ain't No Rest For The Wicked by Cage the Elephant. I've watched my sister grow to be the same height as me. I've dated someone. I've considered suicide. I've been depressed. I've been truly at peace and happy. I helped tech a children's ballet show at the high school. I've stayed awake most of the night doing homework. I've gained weight and lost weight. I've struggled with eating disorders. I've laid on the floor while the rabbit hops all over and around me and licks my face. I've had food poisoning. I've had fevers. I've gotten strep throat. I'm learning Swedish. I leave for the MTC on November 15th. I'm visiting my friend in New Orleans next week. I'm stressed and I feel trapped in this house, but I'm okay. I'm good. I'm alive.
And I didn't want to be, yknow? I genuinely didn't know if life was going to get better. But so many beautiful things have happened, so many things I could have never predicted. I've been so excited and so sad and so lonely and so peaceful and so everything. I didn't write everything down, and there's no way I could have.
When I started this blog, I was on the edge of all this. It hadn't started yet, I couldn't have seen it coming, but it sure was coming. Now I'm on the edge of something new. So many things I can't predict from here. There are going to be so many changes and new experiences and new friends and new loves and new decisions that I have yet to meet. I'm so scared and so excited and so everything. It's coming.
