too much not too much

It is late and I am tired. I care too much and not enough about everything, which makes for an interesting juxtaposition of thought when trying to analyse emotions. Inconvenient. I really don't know how to get my life together.

mistakes and mistakes

I don't know what to say besides I let my emotions and need for validation get the best of me. Nothing happened, not really, I just let myself care a little too much. I let the analytical and careful part of my brain take the back seat for just enough time for the childish and gullible part of my brain to wreak havoc on my emotional stability.

It's fine. I knew this would happen and it's fine. That doesn't mean I don't feel dumb. For the sake of remaining vague, I'm just going to say I let myself think that a guy actually cared about me and that something might come of it. I fell for the compliments and trust and attention and whatever else. This'll be good for me, I said, and I guess it was in the sense of me learning new things about life and about myself. That was good for me. It's not good for me in the sense that I feel like an absolute idiot. It doesn't make sense that a guy would like me. Like, that doesn't make sense, I don't care who you are. Especially if you've got loads of friends and are good at stuff and whatever else. I'm not the type people go for. Statement of fact.

Anyway, I was too available. I tried too hard to be likable and quirky and cute etc etc. Finding out that the other party is devoting much less time and energy to you than you are to them is frankly horrific. When I invited the analytical part of my brain back inside to take a look around, she flipped. Nothing was as she had left it and thoughts and emotions were just scattered all over the freaking place. It was a mess, honestly. We're still cleaning up. It's just embarrassing, ya know? Like, ridiculously embarrassing to devote time and energy to someone who doesn't care. I was played. I'm sort of disgusted with myself for letting that happen.

I don't know, maybe I am reading into it too much. Maybe it turns out he does care and this works out etc etc. But if it doesn't, I'm already in the process of emptying my mind filing cabinets of him. Not to be dramatic, but he doesn't deserve my time if I don't deserve his. Analytical and Intelligent Kate has to take the wheel again, because Teenager Emotional Kate is going to be working overtime for a while to clean up this mess she just made.

no punctuation

I’ve watched you crumble.
Have you really? Have you watched me crumble because I’ve felt me crumble I’ve felt me spiral and spiral and trip and bruise my toes and bruise my mind I’m a punching bag inverted an inverted punching bag with blood everywhere everywhere but in my mind because inside of me the only things there are is broken things and gears that don’t fit just right and leaves all crumbled up together and I’m tired and I don’t want to say I’m stressed because there’s a point where you have to reevaluate and no stress is not the word I would use maybe I would mention it but no I am not stressed I am not stressed I am not stressed I am confused I am so confused and lost inside of my own head do you have any idea how frustrating that is how inconvenient that is when I’m trying to be my best person every day but I can’t be because I literally don’t know where my emotions are coming from and I try to separate them out like strings of beads all together and knotted together and singing together and clacking and sliding and tying and I don’t know what to do they all seem so familiar I should know how to deal with it I should know how to move on and how to take them in my hands and name their colors and lines and names and hang them on the wall in neat little rows and point them out like art in a museum that should be who I am that should be where I am but there are no walls there are caverns of jagged and smooth stone all mixed together and I’m in a hospital listening to the beeping of my own heart and the silence of my own brain and everywhere I look are emotions lumbering around and bumping into each other and crowding me back into my closet into my room beneath the blankets in the corner beneath the shelves full of things that used to make me happy but I don’t remember what that was like no I remember but I can’t fathom how I can’t fathom how she used to live life the way she did and these past few years I know she was empty I know I was sad and lonely and now I have friends and hobbies and the tunnel is lengthening and brightening but never ending never ending never ending never ending never ending never ending I want to get out I need a break but there’s no such thing ask anyone who isn’t dead I swear they’ll all tell you the same thing or maybe not I haven’t spoken to everyone in the whole world but I want to try I want to meet them and shake their hands and touch their faces and hold their stories in my palms and see the colours they use to build lives and communities and I want to understand I want to know what it’s like to care about things that won’t hurt you because I stab myself every day every day every day because I couldn’t love the things that are stable I had to love these shifting floating hard lined fleeting words who come and go and dance in circles around in my skull blowing flowers into the recesses of my mind and never giving me a moment’s peace I had to love dancing of course I had to love this art that made me despise everything I was and everything I have become and I still can’t move on it’s been months and months and I can’t move on and theatre only fills me up sometimes and it never gives me what I need it gives me opportunities to grow but not in directions I’m interested in and I hate that my scene partner can’t act I try so hard so hard to deal with it but he thinks it’s my fault he thinks all this is my issue and not tracing back to him like dotted red lines splitting him to shreds I wish I could tear him to shreds until he sees that he is nothing and her too I want her to sit there and admit that she is not the center of any universe except her own and to stop using her insecurities and shields and arrows and knives in my back because I just want to be useful I just want to be good at the things I do and dance is the thing that I do but I can’t anymore so I’m here memorising lines and pretending to think that these people are better friends than they are and I need the attention but not mass attention and not the expectations but they wouldn’t get it they won’t understand if I tell them I’m made of lightbulbs all lighting up at different times and I can’t focus and when I’m all glowing there is something inside of me short circuiting and smoking and burning and it hurts it hurts to set myself on fire it hurts to try and light up for other people when it’s too dark to see where I’m going and i want to know where I’m going I want to see who I’m going to be and know that I’m going to be okay and know that it’s all going to be okay and that I’ll find my path and that people will find me and lift me up and replace my lightbulbs with skin and blood and love and there are too many expectations and I’m trying to live up to every single one of them like trying to reach the top shelf of a cabinet twice my height and I’m going to keep reaching because I’m stronger than my problems I can to this I can prove them all wrong and be better and better and then once I am better then they will love me then I will have the adoring crowds of people whom I respect because right now I don’t have that but everyone are just people they’re just freaking people what should I ask of them besides their continued existence they don’t owe me anything and not everyone is going to matter to everyone else and I’m trying to be okay with that but I just need some constants in my life and everything is changing and I would be more okay with it if I were instigating the change but I’m just watching it change watching it shift around me like a sunset or those rooms in museums where the video is reflected out of all the walls and you’re there but you have no power besides to listen and to hope and I guess I could walk out of the room but I’m not ready for this video to end yet because what if there’s a beautiful ending where the girl meets the guy and they love each other and take care of each other and she finds where she belongs and she wakes up everyday breathing in the air gifted by the beautiful world who loves her and wants to protect her from the difficult things but she can’t because she’s just earth and stone and water mixed together and littered with people trying to tear her apart and i know how she feels because I’m letting myself be torn apart but I don’t know by whom I don’t know by what I don’t know how to get out I don’t know how to live through this without wanting to die every single day no that’s no it I don’t want to die I just want to get in a car wreck and feel physical pain and feel the edges of my life flutter like a cloak in the wind and watch everything swaying before me like a giant clock full of tiny springs and gears and I want people to tell me they love me and to mean it and I want to see the looks in their eyes because I was almost taken away from them and I need to know that they care and I need to know that I care about them and I need to not worry about school or the future or theatre or dance it would just be me and words and everything would be simpler because life is simple when you take away all the distractions from the things that matter and I wish I knew I mattered no I do matter I know that but I wish I mattered to certain people and I wish everyone was self aware and I didn’t have to lie to them or explain things they don’t get I’m exhausted I’m exhausted I’m exhausted wow life was so much easier when I didn’t let myself feel anything there were so many less bends and turns and dips and confusion