mistakes and mistakes

I don't know what to say besides I let my emotions and need for validation get the best of me. Nothing happened, not really, I just let myself care a little too much. I let the analytical and careful part of my brain take the back seat for just enough time for the childish and gullible part of my brain to wreak havoc on my emotional stability.

It's fine. I knew this would happen and it's fine. That doesn't mean I don't feel dumb. For the sake of remaining vague, I'm just going to say I let myself think that a guy actually cared about me and that something might come of it. I fell for the compliments and trust and attention and whatever else. This'll be good for me, I said, and I guess it was in the sense of me learning new things about life and about myself. That was good for me. It's not good for me in the sense that I feel like an absolute idiot. It doesn't make sense that a guy would like me. Like, that doesn't make sense, I don't care who you are. Especially if you've got loads of friends and are good at stuff and whatever else. I'm not the type people go for. Statement of fact.

Anyway, I was too available. I tried too hard to be likable and quirky and cute etc etc. Finding out that the other party is devoting much less time and energy to you than you are to them is frankly horrific. When I invited the analytical part of my brain back inside to take a look around, she flipped. Nothing was as she had left it and thoughts and emotions were just scattered all over the freaking place. It was a mess, honestly. We're still cleaning up. It's just embarrassing, ya know? Like, ridiculously embarrassing to devote time and energy to someone who doesn't care. I was played. I'm sort of disgusted with myself for letting that happen.

I don't know, maybe I am reading into it too much. Maybe it turns out he does care and this works out etc etc. But if it doesn't, I'm already in the process of emptying my mind filing cabinets of him. Not to be dramatic, but he doesn't deserve my time if I don't deserve his. Analytical and Intelligent Kate has to take the wheel again, because Teenager Emotional Kate is going to be working overtime for a while to clean up this mess she just made.