self sabotage

I've come to this conclusion that I'm an alcoholic who's never had a drink. That is to say, addiction runs in both sides of my family and throughout my life I have consistently maintained the self control of an impatient four year old. Like you know in those studies with the kids where they give them one marshmallow and tell them if they don't touch it for an allotted amount of time they can have another one? Yeah, well, in that scenario I might not have just shoved it in my mouth, but I definitely am not the one who sits quietly and just waits for the time to be over. Now that's a bit digressed from alcoholism, but let me explain. I've gotten into the habit of acknowledging negative behaviors in myself and literally just continuing them. Because I suck. Some examples:

Chocolate and sweet things. I am so. bad. at rationing. It's not like I eat sweet things all the time, in fact I'm actually a pretty healthy eater, but when I do, my goodness. My brain can find a way to rationalize eating too much of anything. Or, I'll recognize that there's no excuse and try to keep my portions small, but then I always give in and have more anyway. It's not something I'm proud of, and I've definitely gained weight in the past few months. Like, dang, I thought I was fat before. Year-ago-kate had no idea what she was in for.

Writing and homework. It's gotten to be a real problem. In those spare moments during the day where I could be doing homework, or even time allotted to us in class to do homework, I'm writing instead. (Case in point, I'm writing this in biology right now.) I'll write scenes and stuff, but I'll also work on random stuff like character development and plot complexity and backstory and every other thing you can think of. And I don't even really care? Like, I enjoy learning and I'm okay with school, but if I had to choose between homework and writing without the potential consequence of bad grades, I'd choose writing every time. And I have. A lot. I sort of hate myself for it, but I can't really stop because getting all my thoughts out is much more tempting than doing a project for french or finding support quotes for an english essay.

Netflix. Okay, I know, this is stereotypical. I apologize for not being more interesting. Anyway, one of the only things getting me through each day is knowing that when I get home I can continue whatever netflix series I'm on at the time. Those television writers really know their stuff. So I'll get home, telling myself that I'll exercise, do homework, and then watch something, but it always edges its way up on my list. And I also tell myself that after I take a shower I'll maybe read and then go to bed, but ask me if that ever happens. Actually, on second thought, don't ask me. I don't want to actually say it in so many words, but you get the idea. So midnight ends up being like the earliest I've gone to bed in about 3 weeks now, and I get up around 5:30 everyday, so 5 hours is my average amount of sleep lately (and actually just in general). It's been weird because combine the extreme sleepiness with the energy high I've been on for a while now, and you get one of the weirdest moods for a while that I've ever been in for an extended amount of time. I'm energetic and essentially okay all the time, but I'm also so freaking tired it's ridiculous. I'm shaky and feel vaguely nauseous a lot, and I also get faint headaches that just sort of chill behind my eyes for stretches of time. And I know people get by on less sleep than that, and I have too, but 4 to 5 hrs for a long time kills you. Your body sort of stops expecting anything from you and I feel kinda like a zombie high on caffeine everywhere I go, which is actually one of the strangest feelings. I'm equal parts hyper-8-year-old-child and living-dead at any given time. I know the next day it's going to kill me, and yet I still stay up netflixing anyway. Why am I doing this to myself?

So yeah, I get that a lot of people have procrastination problems in areas similar to my problems, but I feel like the fact that I know exactly what I'm doing wrong and what I could do to fix it, and then don't speaks volumes to my lack of self control. If I were to start drinking, I wouldn't stand a chance. If I were to get into drugs, I wouldn't last a month. I can't even handle perfectly safe things. Gracious, I'm sort of disgusted by myself. I know that I'm slowly killing myself mentally and emotionally and physically with all of this, yet I continue to do it anyway. And I can't complain about my health because it's my fault. I'm sabotaging myself. Go team.