infp

I honestly don't even have a point to this post. I don't know, I guess this is gonna be fairly vent-ish, so buckle up if you plan on sticking around.

I have an intense fear of mediocrity. I feel like I probably share that sentiment with a lot of people, but I have no way of knowing who shares my thought process behind it all. In summary, it's basically just that there's this prick of frustration in the back of my mind anytime someone says a variation of "everyone goes through that" or "that's quite common". And I know it's meant to be a form of consolation, like you aren't alone, don't feel alone. But honestly it just makes me feel worse. And don't get me wrong, I hate this about myself, but I can't stand being grouped in with the average. This probably has something to do with the fact that being average is one of my deepest fears for no apparent reason that I can trace.

(honestly I can't tell how much of this is digression and how much of it is actually coherent, so bear with me)

But yeah, so my brain latches onto anything anyone says that could set me apart from my peers or makes me "special" in some way. (I've also gotten in the habit of catching myself at this and immediately writing it off as an untrue statement so I don't get too self-centered, so there's always this tug-of-war game being played and I don't even know who to believe anymore.)

I do have a fairly solid example of my insecurities of being outshone though. My sister. She's 7 years younger than me, and, like, gosh I don't know how to say this without sounding ridiculously childish...she's just so much better than I am. She got the physical genes I would kill to have (tall and thin instead of short and stocky), she's adorable and has been her whole life (I've just been dragged from awkward phase to awkward phase), she goes to The Montessori Academy (rah rah public school for me), and she's so much smarter than me and is going to end up being like valedictorian or something, she has friends (???I've always had the hardest time getting friends, they never stuck around, and I feel like I'm always annoying people???), and I feel like if she gets the same teachers I had they'll like her more and think she's smarter than me. I guess if I were more secure in my self-worth or whatever it wouldn't bother me so much, but I hate it. And my mom always says stuff about other people's successes not diminishing my own, but for some reason I can't internalize that. It feels sort of like the weak way out. Like, hey So-and-so won, but that doesn't mean that you got dead last!!! I don't know.

I just. I just want to represent a superlative of some sort. I'm prettyish and smartish and funnyish and dancerish and talentedish and goodish at writing. Who knows why I care so much about being sub-par.

Oh! Another great example of my ridiculous insecurities and need for other people to not be obviously better than me. I had my mom do the Meyers-Briggs personality test thing, and my sister ended up doing it as well. For those of you who don't know, the Meyers-Briggs thing has 16 personality types (16personalities.com if you're curious) like ENTP and ISFJ and stuff, and on that website they're all labeled things like "the architect" and "the mediator". So my mom comes to my door to tell me what her result was and my sister comes up behind her and goes "I got The Protagonist! I'm the main character!"

And I hate myself for this, but it hurt. Like, it hurt to hear her say that. ENFJ's (the protagonist) are a ridiculously small portion of the population, and they're charismatic and people love them and they're natural leaders and great at making friends and all the great things you can think of. Essentially, they're Cooler Than You™. I guess in my mind "small % of population = unique = important = special" and it's not me. And I know personalities aren't a competition, but I just wish I were some weird rare personality that people love and whatever. INFP's are cool, don't get me wrong, and so are all the others, but the protagonist? Really? In everyone's mind they're their own main character. It's your life story, and it's about you, of course it is. But I always feel like I'm that unimportant side-character who'll never amount to much.

I! am! so! scared! of! never! amounting! to! anything! special!

And if I'm not special, then what are my chances of getting into the college I want? or getting the scholarships I need? or getting to travel and get a cool job that I enjoy? or having some adorable romance? of ever making legit friends? We can't all be success stories. We can't all be lucky or special or loved or noticed.

I think the reason it hurts so much is because I'm in the process of lying to myself, of telling myself that it will turn out and that I am special in some way, when really I'm just like the next guy. I'm going to go to some college and get some job and get married to some guy and live some average life and die somewhere and never be remembered by anyone. Because I'm just some girl with average talent and average intelligence and average luck. We can't all be Cinderella. Some of us have to be those nameless girls from town who didn't go to the ball and didn't fit the shoe and were never spoken of again because, as we all know, stories prefers those who are different and not those who blend in.

I'm trying to figure out if these thought patterns are the kind of Depression Warning Signs™ my counselor told me to watch out for. I don't think so; it's probably just a mood swing. But hey! Stay turned to find out!!!