So I've been thinking a lot lately about my tendencies as a human person. As in how likely I am to act or feel a certain way in any given situation. And (plot twist) I don't really have a good structure for this post, so I'm just going to be saying words until I get across what I'm thinking.
I'm a little worried because I don't think I'm capable of being emotionally vulnerable anymore? Like, obviously I still have emotions and I'm not the most detached person on the face of the planet, because I still care about things, but I think I've trained myself to not ever get emotionally invested in things enough to get hurt by them. Thinking back, I can't even remember the last time I got so invested in something that it hurt when I lost it. Not in recent memory. It must have been when I was a kid, but I can't point to the exact moment in time when I stopped getting my hopes up about stuff.
I know I was emotionally invested (hereafter referred to a EI) in dance because I'm still not over it, but that was more a long term commitment than anything else in my life. I'd been in it since I was maybe 4 years old, so obviously growing up intertwined with something will be hard to lose. I was EI in that birthday party I mentioned a couple posts ago. The one when I was around 8 or 9 and I spent ages planning this party and had all these expectations only to be let down hard and super disappointed. But I can't think of anything else, especially not recently.
So let's look at this logically. I got EI in things when I was a kid because kids don't know any better. I didn't have any friends from the ages of 12 to about 16/17, so that saved me from getting EI in any friends that would go on to leave me. I got very used to the idea of having surface friends that I would talk to and who said we were "friends", but then would have other actual friends that did not include me. I got very used to the idea of being independent emotionally and not ever telling anyone how I felt. It just seemed like such a stupid idea, to tell other people about feelings that could end up changing. Then, when they did change, you would seem like this moody idiot who didn't know what was going on in your own head. I was EI in dance because it was all I knew. But even though I have friends now (my current definition: people with whom I talk to/who contact me on a nearly daily basis. They appear to care about what happens in my life at least occasionally), I don't know how capable I am of being EI in them. I think if they stopped talking to me I would be bummed, but it's not a new situation to me so I'd just take it and move on. I care about them, but I'd know they have other friends so they'd be fine without me. And me, well, I've mastered the art of being alone. I wouldn't mind (at least that's what I tell myself. Stay tuned to find out more!!). And even with this guy I mentioned a few posts back, I don't think I even care that much?? I thought I was letting myself get emotionally vulnerable. Like, hey, I'm letting myself like this guy who I think likes me also. Does this mean I might finally know what people are talking about when they get so hurt by breakups and stuff? I was genuinely intrigued by that. Genuinely curious to know what it felt like to get EI in something that ended poorly or just didn't last. BUT GUESS WHAT. He stopped replying to my messages a few days ago, and I don't even care. Like, that sounds harsh, but it's literally only been maybe 2 or 3 days since we've had a conversation, and I've almost forgotten entirely what I saw in him in the first place. I remember enjoying his company and liking his music and liking the attention. I remember getting all caught up in the idea of being in any sort of relationship/friendship/whatever the heck it was, and I don't doubt that there was some infatuation going on, but legitimate EI?? I don't think so. But that kind of sucks because I thought I was. I thought I was letting myself be vulnerable and open to getting hurt but it's been 2 friggin days and I'm ready to move on. I kind of hope he stops talking to me altogether, honestly.
Like, what the heck? I should definitely care more, right? And I was thinking that maybe it was just this specific instance. Oh, he just didn't click with you properly, it was really super long distance, you were trying to force it because you craved the attention on a psychological level, etc etc. But I'm really worried that it applies to all areas of my life. Maybe the reason I feel isolated is because I have literally trained myself to not know how to connect with people. Maybe I'm fine with people leaving because it's all I know, so why should I expect things to ever be different? I don't know how to let myself hope for things anymore. I mean, really invest myself in things. The voice in my head is always warning me about people not really caring, about people leaving. It's always preparing a Plan B for when things don't work out.
I don't know, I think I'm just finally realising that I am the Alpha and Omega of my own issues. I've blamed myself for my problems in the past because I hate blaming other people for things, but I've never understood just how much of those things stemmed from barriers I'd built around myself. I feel like I sound ridiculously dramatic about all this. Sorry 'bout that.
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