it's not changing

I'm scared I'm so scared of the future I'm scared of making the wrong choices and of going down the wrong path and I'm scared I won't amount to much and that I won't get to do what I enjoy, no that's not it, I know if I work hard enough I should be able to write in some capacity I should be able to write what I love but
that's not the problem the problem is getting there the problem is getting through this school year it's getting into colleges and figuring out how to pay for it, but that's not even the issue the issue is that I don't know where I want to go I don't know what I want to study I don't know I don't know I don't even have a clue of what I'm going to do with my life and how do I apply to university if I don't know where to apply to, and this school year I don't know how I'm going to get through this school year when I want
to be happy and I want to love myself and I want to have hope but all of my friends are fake friends with better versions of me to talk to so I'm just the one they talk to when they aren't busy when their real friends aren't busy and that's
fine I like being alone I'm okay with my own company but when I feel like I connect with someone and that it should go somewhere but then they spend all their time with other people it makes me wonder what I'm missing what essential link in life I haven't figured out because there's got to be something there's got to be some
spark I don't have because when people say they like me and they say I'm great and they say they're glad I'm their friend but then I'm always the one starting conversations or all I see is them doing things with other people it hurts it hurts like being lied to it hurts like when I was a kid and I spent ages planning this birthday party and
I was so excited and I waited and waited and had all these kid expectations for how fun it was going to be but then only 2 people showed up and after that I never let myself get my hopes up again because all I could think of was 9 year old me thinking she was finally going to have friends and have birthday parties and connect with people and years went by and I never had another party and I slowly realised that my friends didn't need me nearly as much as I needed them and hey guess what they all had other better friends and that never changed because the years
kept going by and I kept being me by myself waiting to connect waiting for that spark that would tie me to another human being and tether me in some tangible way but it hasn't it hasn't
it hasn't I have friends and I have people I care about but if I were to move away tomorrow it wouldn't take long to lose contact it wouldn't take long for them to forget about me and move on because I don't matter very much to them and I wish I did but I don't want to be selfish and demand love like that because if I haven't managed to connect with anyone yet maybe there's just something
wrong with my brain maybe I just don't understand how people work and maybe that's okay because I'm okay I'm okay I'm Okay and you need to believe me because I'm telling
the truth I'm better than I've been in years but when those years have dragged me through the dark and scraped me raw with glass then better than that probably isn't Great but it's good and I'm good and I'm tired and I'm slipping and the future is so foggy I can't see 10 feet in front of me and I'm having to walk into it smiling at people because
people can't know that you aren't better because you say you are and how embarrassing would it be if you told them you were strong and then you fell but I'm scared that this is all there is that even healthy me is never going to be okay and that is terrifying because I don't know where to go and frankly I'm losing interest in life by the day