anywhere

these are tentative words; I'm spinning them into sentences as they appear in my mind.

I've been thinking about the future a lot. Senior in high school and all that. I know loads of people in college. The statement where do you see yourself in 10 years? puts me at nearly 30 years old. So I've been thinking about the future.

I'm really stressed out right now. There's too much going on and not enough hours in a day. I'm running on fumes and we've only been back in school for three weeks. I'm mentally and emotionally where I was about 2/3rds through last school year. I know stress is relative and things will pass and someday I'll be able to look back on all this with my Adult Problems and laugh at Adolescent Kate and all of her woes, but I'm just not there yet.

I keep thinking of Someday. Of this hypothetical point in my life when I have a fulfilling job and I'm in a stable relationship with someone who cares a lot about me and I'm Good. I live in New York or England or Somewhere Else. I'm Happy. I feel like I'll get there somehow. But I'm not there yet. Before then, I have to get through tomorrow and this week and this month and this six weeks and this semester and next semester and next year and everything in between. Every time I think about it I want to be there. I want to skip everything and appear in that future where everything is okay. But I can't.

"Souvenirs" by Switchfoot is playing on my phone right now. It's off an album that I first heard when I was twelve, carpooling to Ft Worth in a car full of girls going to dance. All of them are off at college now, or graduated. They're going what they love and I know they have problems but they seem so Happy and Free.

When I was younger I had smaller problems. I remember getting excited about things and gosh I miss that. I miss not being able to sleep because of anticipation and throwing myself into challenges like there was no such thing as losing. I miss enjoying little things. If I could immerse myself in that world, just for a while, I think I would.

But at the time I was excited about the future as well. Right now I'd kill to be Her again or to be Future Kate without having to live the intervening years first. I'd rather be anywhen but right now. I'd rather be anywhere than right here.

And that's really too bad. I should be living every moment, sucking the marrow out of life and all that. I want to but I physically feel unable to make myself care. Please, just let me get through this. Please just let me live through this.