So. We've had this discussion already, at least partially. The one about The Future™. You know, that gibberish I spill into my computer and call a blog. We've had this discussion. And as ever, I don't know how to structure this, so we're just going to jump in.
I'm pursuing theatre. I guess, since I'm not a seer or anything, I don't know what the future holds and I don't know when I'll change my mind about which things, etc etc. But as of right now, I'm the most sure I've ever been in recent memory about what I want from life. I'm tired of pretending I'm going to be a scientist or teacher or something. I'm tired of thinking I'll just go to school and see where I end up and with what job. I let go of dance as a profession, but I can't let go of performance as a lifestyle. I can't let go of sweaty dressing rooms and stage lights and filling up stages with hard work and love. I can't make myself walk away from that and pretend that it isn't sewn into the lining of my bones and coursing through my veins with every beat of my heart.
I know it'll be hard. Like, it's going to be hard. I know it will, but I'm also willing to work so hard for what I care about. I love acting so much I can't imagine dropping it just because I feel like I need a stable career. I'll find a way to make it work. And, you know what? Maybe it's not for me. Maybe I'll get into it and realise that I hate it or that I really want to do something else. But that's fine. That's a risk I'm willing to take because I've finally reached a point where I'm willing to throw myself into something because I care about it that much. I'm finally willing to sacrifice worry for passion, and it feels amazing. Amazing in the way that I get flurries of anticipation in my gut when I think about it. In the way that I'm terrified I'm making the wrong choice or that I'm not good enough or that I'm deluding myself into thinking that this is what I want from life. In the way that every time that doubtful voice speaks up about how I'm not ready to commit myself to this or that this isn't the right path for me or that I'm doing it for the wrong reasons, that every time that happens I lose my breath because I am so scared of being wrong about myself. I've spent such a long amount of time trying to be someone else that now I don't really know who I am. But I think I do. I hope I do.
There's this tiny canvas I painted earlier this summer hanging on my wall above my shelf of knick knacks. It has one of my favourite CS Lewis quotes on it. "Courage, dear heart." I thought I needed those words when I was empty, when I was miserable and I was just trying to get through every day. And I did. Courage is needed when all you can think of is loneliness and hopelessness and nothing at all. But I need it more now. I need courage as I embark on this next chapter of my life, as I follow the lights in my soul and hope that it will pay off, as I open myself up to true vulnerability for the first time in years.
And I'm excited, I am, but I'm terrified. I am terrified of too many things, so much so that I can hardly form a coherent thought.
Courage, dear heart
Courage, dear heart
Courage, dear heart
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