today

today I got up before the sun and wore a jean jacket instead of legitimate jeans. I was too rushed to brush my teeth.

I wrote my first blog post exactly one year ago today. I was depressed and lonely, and lots has changed since then. Many things haven't, but I'd like to think I've experienced at least some positive character development. I'm still working on it. I hope to always be working on it. To keep trying to get better, and to find that sweet spot between arrogance and constant self-hatred. I think I've tipped too far to the other end of the scale, and it's ridiculous. I still need validation and things, I'm still human, but I don't hate what I look like. I know I'm good at some things at least. I don't know. It's frustrating watching myself try to navigate this new world of self-acceptance. I just want to be better.

Life is like one giant aviary, ya know? Those things full of birds, all flapping around in this contained bubble of reality. It hurts when you get too close to the edge because you can see just how small and insignificant it all is. It hurts to be one of many flying in circles until you die. But it's also beautiful to see so many birds all trying to live the best that they can with what they have. It's incredible, really.

everyday

Everyday, I feel like drowning. And everyday, I think of tomorrow. Just get through right now. Tomorrow this will be the past. And it is, you know? Like, the tests I have today are over tomorrow. The things that are due are past deadlines once the day is over. But also, it isn't. This test is replaced by that test. This deadline by that one. It's endless and it's exhausting. And you get through it because you have to get through it. That's how it works, you know? You scramble to get everything done because you have to. But I can't do it anymore. I'm drowning I'm drowning I'm drowning. No. I'm slipping. The ground is giving way and I haven't found a solid foot or handhold and I'm slipping. My mental health is all over the place, my emotional health is practically nonexistent, my grades are tanking, and life just keeps going. The carriage of life keeps racing across the countryside, dragging me behind it in the dirt. I don't know what to do.

So I guess I'm going to do homework now, and try to ignore all the homework I've missed and will do poorly, all the grades I've let fall beneath my past standards of excellence. What are standards anyway? Everything is relative. Who cares.

let me be your home

          Let me be your home.
I want to wrap you up inside me.
          Let me be your home,
          Where you can take off your shoes
                    And bullet-proof mask
                    That reflects everything I need to hear
                    Back at me,
          So I can see the soft wishes of your heart
          And hold them in my world-worn hands
                    Like blown glass, full of potential.
          Let me be your shelter,
          Let me be your roof and creaking hinges.
I will be the murmuring oaks beside the door
          And the books crammed together by time
          On friendly shelves.
I will be your safety.
          Let me hold you and keep you,
          Let me be your sanctuary.
I promise I will be a warmer home
          Than the one you currently keep.
Let me be your home.
          I ache.
          I ache for you,
          And I am sorry.