spiral

I have lost my hold on reality; essentially, I have analysed my life into oblivion and can no longer properly tell what matters and what is true and what is right. I ache through and through.

Such dramatics, my goodness. I apologise, but I will not back down. I feel like a statue crumbling from the inside. There's this great tugging emptiness inside me and I confess I don't know what to do besides wait it out and hope it subsides. My best friend is going through something and she won't tell me what it is, but she's also mostly ignoring me as well, which hurts more than I'd like it to. I want to help, and I want to not be alone. This situation does not satisfy either of those wants. Part of me wonders if she even considers us to be good friends, even though I know those are my trust issues talking and not necessarily anything based in rational thinking. Still, I worry.

That guy who played me last semester, and whom I know for a fact to be manipulative and unempathetic, has returned with apparently his original agenda of making me obsessed with him or something. Knowing what I know about him now, it is easier to remain unattached, but I wonder how dishonest it is to play along because I need validation and attention. His attention isn't consistent or genuine enough to make me feel less lonely most of the time, so I suppose it's helping neither of us for me to continue the charade. I don't know. I've never made any notably bad decisions in my life up to this point, and part of me is desperately interested in attempting to enter into a less-than-genuinely-based relationship that I know for a fact would end poorly just to see what it would be like. Just to have more emotions and experiences to write about. And then there's this back and forth between knowing logically that something is a bad idea and that refraining from doing it would be a testament to my moral backbone and emotional strength, etc, and then there's the anti-logic that shows up and renders all that null and void anyway.

And besides any logic or anything, I'm lonely, and I'm interested very much in anything that could, even temporarily, alleviate that. I don't know. I'm slipping and I don't know what to do.