poetry dump — internal monologue

you could be better than this
          than what
you pathetic excuse for a person you know what
          but i don’t
yes you do you know full well that you changed for a beautiful second you had become someone you were so thin with a wide smile full of laughter and kisses in the starlight and you weren’t scared kate don’t you see that
          stop reminding me
no you weren’t scared you were so excited for the future you were so excited for things that had yet to come and now you’re back you’re back here letting this anxiety in your throat keep you from making decisions and moving forward and it’s clogging you up and you’re crying and crying and why are you so sad all the time now
          i don’t know i’m not doing it on purpose
don’t lie to me you do know stop acting like this isn’t your fault like this isn’t you like you don’t consciously stay up late eyes blue white from screens and scrolling while never getting up and how are you such a mess why are you such a mess why don’t you just fix it why can’t you consistently fix anything without falling back into these self-dug ruts where you pine and scroll through old pictures and wait for friends to reply from a distance with their new lives and new friends and you wonder why they won’t talk to you and how they are so happy and you want them to be happy but also you want to be happy i know you i know you aren’t that selfless
          i try to be it makes me feel better
you just want to be you want people to forget about you because then you’d have a real reason to be upset instead of just feeling forgotten for no good reason all the time and you want love so badly but maybe you don’t deserve the kind of love you’re looking for maybe you only ever deserve half friendships and lack of real connection and them leaving and leaving and leaving and leaving and leaving and leaving and leaving and leaving and leaving and leaving and god why don’t they ever get tired of leaving i’m tired i’m tired of it i'm
          i know me too i’m tired of it too
then why don’t you fix it why don’t you get up and make something of yourself you sit there and let fat crawl back under your skin even though you starved yourself for years over this sort of thing and hated yourself for years over this sort of thing and you wish you were thinner and prettier and your legs were longer and your face weren’t so round and your hair was more uniform and you wish people liked you and boys liked you and that you had the self control to be a better person but no you’re useless
          i’m not useless
yes you are you know you are
          but i’m trying can’t you see that i’m trying
i can hear it i can hear that you want to be trying but you aren’t you sit and you wake up late and you never leave the house and you eat disgusting food because you’re disgusting you’re pathetic and dance was the best thing you ever had and you lost it because you weren’t good enough at starving yourself and now you’re so full of self pity because you’re weak you’re too weak to stop eating again and to leave the house and exercise or anything
          leave me alone i’m so tired you think i don’t know you think i don’t know this stuff
only because i tell you if i stopped reminding you you’d forget
          i wouldn’t forget
you would
          please leave me alone
i can’t
          please leave me alone i am so tired
we’re all tired do you want to be alone
          no
then let me stay
          i’ll find someone else
you can’t i’m the only one who’s never left
          that’s only because
and leaving and leaving and leaving and leaving and leaving and leaving
          please stop
and leaving and leaving and leaving and leaving
          they won’t always there’s gotta be someone just one person at least who won’t decide i’m not worth their time and leave and leave and leave and leave and leave and leave and leave
why do you think that you will find that
          i don’t know
why do you think someone will stay when they’ve only ever left
          i don’t know i guess i have so many years left i should be able to find someone in all that time
you have nothing to back up that theory
          i’m sorry i just
i hate you i hate how you get your hopes up like this
          i am so tired
then sleep
          i can’t
why not
          you won’t leave me alone don’t you ever get tired
i’m tired too
          then leave
but i don’t want you to be alone
          why
because i want you to be better
          why
because i love you and i have to believe that even if nobody else does you will not be alone
          why would i need to be better if i have you
it’s me
          and me
the same person
          i know
so be better
          i can’t
why
          i am so tired