my chest hurts

I guess it's my age group I'm in now that I'm watching people I know and am friends with start to get married. I've had conversations with people about it, about how many years we think we have before it's us in white too. But bro we're just kids, yknow? I'm about to turn 19, and I know a girl who was married at 19 and I do not understand it at all. Like, there's so much I still have to learn about myself before I'm ready to live with another person in a codependent relationship and share schedules and finances with. Someday, sure, maybe even sooner than I think, but please not in the next few years.

Anyway, that's not really what's on my mind, not entirely. It was just halloween weekend, and I've had to scroll through what feels like miles of posts from halloween parties and pumpkin patch visits and costumes and friends and, you guessed it, folks, I'm lonely. Frick like I'm fine, yknow? I'm good, I'm not depressed, I'm about to leave for my mission, I'm good. But I'm so sad, too. My friends are gone, and I know a few of them are still good friends of mine and that won't change, but they're busy and have new friends and are plenty happy enough to forget I exist at least some of the time, and I'm just not. I miss my friends at college, I miss my friends from philmont, I miss my ex. I mostly miss anyone contacting me to hang out or just talk or be bored together. I'm constantly being reminded that I'm not essential in the lives of my peers right now. And I don't want to change what's happening. I know I'll be on to new things and people soon enough, but it's gonna be a crying night for sure.

So say what I will about marriage, but at least it's gotta be nice to have a friend who's always there.