I hate myself for wanting to be in a relationship. I'm of a split mind truth be told. Like a 80%-20% split. Maybe 90%-10% honestly, but like with wind chill in temperature so it seems colder than it is. It seems like I'm more inner turmoily than I am.
Logical 90% Kate says: 1)the lack of maturity in guys my age is actually astonishing. 2)just being friends with people can have literally all the benefits of dating besides excessive face-sucking and possible young heartbreak. 3)I would rather focus energy on school and other things. 4)brain development is not done until you're like 23 and before then I feel like stuff considered 'love' by young minds is more like infatuation. 5)I can hardly take care of my own emotions, so I don't want to be partially responsible for the well being of someone else's?? 6)just no. 7)I enjoy being my own person. 8)I am genuinely afraid of sharing my feelings with people and I don't want to give other people the power to hold anything against me.
But okay illogical 10% Kate says several things I wouldn't say if I wasn't 99.9% sure no one was ever going to read this. 1)I would love a cute relationship where he holds my hand and sarcastic banters with me and texts me at weird hours of the day with random thoughts. 2)I have never kissed anyone and I am 17 and I don't just want to kiss someone for the sake of kissing someone but I'm curious if it's all it's cracked up to be. 3)I want guys to compliment me on my personality but also on appearance that would be cool. 4)I irrationally feel like I'm less of a person because no one has ever wanted to date me or kiss me or anything. 5)I think I think about sex too much? I don't have a frame of reference but considering I've never even dated anyone I think anything is a lot. I am a child goodness gracious I have no experience in anything involving the other gender why am I so alone. 6)but yeah even though I have no intention of even trying to sleep with anyone before getting married anyway (yep I'm one of those people), in theory I really sort of just want to have sex with someone? Man I hate myself for saying that. I am a virgin in literally every sense of the word, and I've already said literally more than once in this rant so I think I'll stop now.
Idiotic Confused Teenager Adult Child 100% Kate says: I am not going to date until I think it will mean something because at the end of the day, I want someone who I can be my true self around. Someone I can love the flaws of and someone who can love my flaws. Someone I can grow old with after some young romance that makes me feel infinite and beautiful everyday. I don't really care if I'm setting my sights too high. I'm sure it'll work out eventually somehow. Well, hopefully.
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