miscellaneous

Scenario:
Yesterday was the last day of the semester, and last night I went to a bonfire at a friend's house. We talked and some of us played cards and this one guy brought a guitar. We ended up singing Rivers and Roads by The Head and the Heart, and honestly it got me to thinking about all the things that I miss, and all the things I almost didn't get to be a part of this year. There were several things that crossed and uncrossed in my life this year.

1)Philmont. Rivers and Roads is a song that we sang a lot at Philmont, a Scout ranch in New Mexico that I went backpacking at this past summer for 3 weeks. On that trek I got to meet some amazing people and make some really close friends that I would have never met had I not gone to Philmont. Every time I hear that song it brings back memories of mountains and sore feet and exhausted laughter. Absolutely beautiful memories that make me smile to just think of them.

2)Ballet. I have been in ballet since I was 5 years old. I have devoted years of my life to dance and hours of my time that prevented me from participating in other extracurriculars or hanging out with people outside of school or dance. I have been in recitals every spring and the Nutcracker every December for the majority of my life, and most of my memories can be tied in one way or another to dancing. I love dancing. There's not much to it besides that. Dancing has shaped me into who I am today. It has taught me things about working hard and time management, and it has given me so much joy I can't even explain it in words. No matter where I go in life or what I do, ballet will always be a part of who I am. But I left dance this year. I don't have the right body type for it, and my instructor told me if I didn't lose weight, they couldn't put me in shows, even though I am a perfectly normal weight for my age and height. In ballet I am overweight though, and it cost me the only hobby I had ever given myself over to. I miss dance so much it hurts.

3)Theatre. This year at school I joined theatre, since I enjoy performance and I no longer had class everyday for ballet. I have been in two shows this year and they were both really fun and I got to meet some incredible people. I don't enjoy theatre the way I enjoyed dance, and before the opening shows of both shows I just cried. Going on a stage without my old friends in ballet and without wearing tights with my hair up is a painful experience in ways I can't really explain. It makes me sad in the center of my body. Sort of scoops out the happiness in my chest. I wouldn't have to deal with that if I had found a way to stay in ballet, but I also would have never met some people that I now consider to be some of my best friends. Theatre, as well as the amazing and kind people I have met through the shows, are teaching me to accept myself for who I am in ways that ballet never did, and I will always be grateful for that.

4)International Baccalaureate. I joined the IB program at my school this year, which is like AP in the way that they are advanced classes, but it is more writing based and there are a lot more projects and discussions and the like. There are about 23 juniors in the program at my school, so we have become like a little family. We have gotten really close and we hang out outside of school and help each other study for things. It's a support system I've never had before. It's friends I've never had before. It's been such a stressful semester already, but it has been so much better than school previously because I have people I genuinely care about to share it with. It's been an incredible experience so far.

Conclusion:
Life is going to screw you over, but it'll also feel bad about it and pay you back in some way. I lost ballet, but I gained friends and experiences I wouldn't have had otherwise. There are always moments I wish I could freeze in time because they're so beautiful I don't want to let them go. But if I had the power to remain in a single snapshot of my life forever, I would miss out on so much. It sucks, but it doesn't. And you know? That's okay with me.