pathetic

this will sound irrational and melodramatic reading back on it.

I am not good enough I am never good enough I am subpar at so many things I am decent at so many things and I am never giong to succeed at any of them. I was in dance, and I failed at that. I used to make straight As and identify as smart and now I definitely don't. I'm no good at writing, I'm fat and out of shape, I look for attention even when I don't want to I'm positively awful at time management. I suck at making friends I don't have any hobbies I don't work hard enough at school, the only things I've ever found interesting are things I'd never make it with as a career. I want to be special and live some sort of life that isn't generic and average but I will because I am generic and average. I am average looking with average intelligence and average dreams and an average family and average teenagery angst and it sucks. I just want to be good at stuff. I just want to not be so pathetic. Because that's what I am. Whatever other things I am pathetic has and always will apply. It's pathetic that I can't ever succeed at the things I enjoy. It's pathetic that I don't work harder and that I expect myself to be different in some way. It's pathetic that I fish for compliments on accident and deny it. It's pathetic that I'm falling apart when other people have it so much worse. It's pathetic that I'm writing this ridiculously stupid post on a ridiculously stupid blog that no one will ever read because no one ever pays attention to me because even though I have friends now they all have other better friends and I am not first on anyone's list of people. It's pathetic that I will read back on this and regret it but also wonder if anyone read it because I would love an innocent excuse to tell someone how I actually feel. I try so hard to like myself but it's pathetic that I'm not trying hard enough because if I were I wouldn't hate myself the way I do.