selfish

Continuing on my extended energy high, I've been having some realizations about life. Nothing too mind-boggling. No cure for cancer or some magic fairy blessing me with the ability to understand math the first time it's taught. I just, like, I'm so selfish. I guess I've always been aware of the fact that we all spend our whole lives inside our own heads, and will therefor always have a level of selfishness to the things we do and say, even if that just means you sometimes have intrinsic motivations for helping other people or something similar. But my goodness, I think I am possibly one of the most self-absorbed and non-self aware people I know. Okay so technically I'm pretty aware of how I am, but there are some aspects of yourself I think you don't notice in yourself until you notice them in other people. There were a couple things that have led me to this acknowledgement of my own extreme selfishness and lack of self-awareness.

1. I've gotten quieter and less confrontational in the past year. I have become more submissive and willing to take the way people treat me, regardless of how that is. Being quieter allows much more room for listening to other people, believe it or not. I've started noticing the condescending tones of other people and the way they interact around people they do and do not like. I've noticed that when people act a certain way, sometimes my first thought is that their actions pertain to me in some way, though this only applies to some people. Lame example: Person A mentions *insert book I enjoy* while in my presence, therefor they are trying to connect with me or impress me in some way. I also have this habit of being hyper-aware of if I am coming off as sad or happy or what have you because I feel like people will notice. If I seem sad, they might think I am doing it for attention, or they might think I am genuinely sad and want to talk to me and ask me about it. BUT it would seem that people notice a lot less than you give them credit for. No one I know is probably very aware of my mood at any given time, and I need to keep that in mind.

2. People who do things that annoy me. There's this girl I know, let's call her Samantha because I don't know any Samanthas. Precursor to this bullet point. I do not hate Samantha. She is a very intelligent person who has very good points in discussions and honestly tries to be very kind and considerate and help people. I respect all those things about her. She is also only here for a year and english is not her first language and I feel like anyone in that situation would be uncomfortable and have a need to assert themselves. That being said, some things she does just grate on my nerves like nothing else. She gets very very loud when she wants people to hear her, and she keeps going even if I'm not sure if people are listening. She gets really condescending when trying to explain stuff, and she mentions the same few topics about herself over and over again. But the thing is, she reminds me of myself a few years ago. I used to always accidentally bring the subject of conversation back to myself in some way, and I would interrupt people without thinking about it. She corrects teachers sometimes and acts like she literally knows everything and one of the reasons it bothers me, I think, is that it does remind me of myself, and sometimes I'll do things similar to her and it scares me that I'm annoying people. I have no way of really knowing though because even if you tell people to be honest when telling you how you are, they won't be.

3.My friend from theatre. Let's call her Hannah. I've never met a Hannah I didn't like, so it fits. So this friend of mine, precursor to this bullet point. Hannah is just one of those people, like those people that are just so incredibly wonderful in every way that it's hard to describe. First off, she's gorgeous. She's just a beautiful person all around, like the kind of beauty that makes you feel like you're in the presence of a goddess. She's funny and so blunt and confident and caring about other people. She's so talented it actually blows my mind. And yesterday her mother died. I didn't know too much about it, but I knew she was in the hospital. The day everything got worse we were in rehearsal and we talked a lot and she mentioned her mother and I barely noticed because I was having a bad day. Her mother was in the hospital, and I had a bad day. That day at rehearsal, I meant to tell her that she was one of the best people I'd ever met and she always made me feel better and that I loved having her as a friend. And I didn't. Later that day I found out what was going on through social media, and I couldn't text her because that's what everyone does. Someone dies and everyone rushes in with the I'm so sorry's and the I'm here if you need me's and the I love you's and I felt it wouldn't land right if I just added my voice to the many. Nothing like tragedies to bring people together and drown out the sentiments. But okay, so this unbelievably unfair thing happened to one of the best people I know, and I didn't even notice that she might need support until it was too late. It's ridiculous that I spend so much time in my own head when there are so many other people more deserving of my attention.

This post in itself is selfish on some level. Making stuff about myself. I don't know anymore. I need to be a better person and I wish I was.