1:11 am

I feel empty, but differently than I have in the past. I'm not depressed, I'm not isolated, I don't hate myself, I just...I don't know. In talking to other people, especially people whom I would consider to be my friends, I've come to realise that talking to other people about their problems and being there for other people, while it is lovely and I enjoy being useful in that regard, it drains me in ways I can't describe. No matter how much I try to confide in them as well, I find that I can't. I find that they won't understand what I'm trying to say or that they can't tell me anything I haven't already told myself a thousand times. It's frustrating because, in them telling me about the things bothering them, if they are talking about problems that have ailed me in the past or present, I am able to help, but it also grates at me because often the degree to which they are feeling certain things relating to isolation is still better than what I've been through. Does that make sense? Like, I understand that comparing problems like that is completely ridiculous and that's not what I'm trying to do, I promise. But when people say they feel isolated because their friends are feeling more distant than usual, I want to be like at least you had friends to begin with. I had a couple when I was like 9, and even then we like never hung out or did anything. When they talk about having their friends have deeper connections with other people, I want to point out to them that the majority of my friends are closer to you than to me, and I've just had to accept it. When they say that they don't ever get out with people, I am very tempted to point out the difference between my staying home literally 98% of the time I do not have school or rehearsal, and how much I see them on other people's snap stories all the friggin time. It isn't fair of me to think things like that, and I know it's not, but that's how I've been feeling. I don't feel isolated but I feel detached. Lonely, I guess. I dunno. I have to get up in about 4 hours, so I'm going to try and sleep. Maybe someday I'll find someone who will cure me of this issue and all will be well. Hopefully.