hmm

I was feeling off, but unable to put a finger on the specific emotion. It was a late afternoon and I was planning on going to a theatre show at a different high school with some people from school. They said they could give me a ride and the show was at 7, so I assumed they'd be by no earlier than maybe 6:15-6:30. It was around 4:30 when they arrived in my driveway, so I had to scramble around trying to grab my money and chapstick and everything, knowing I'd probably lose my ride if I told them I couldn't go yet. So I grabbed my shoes and walked out the door to pile into the already full car.

It turned out we were going out to another friend's house to hang out before the show. I guess I should have been excited about this, or at least mostly alright with it (since I made a pact with myself at the beginning of the year to try and hang out with people more and be less of a hermit). But I was irritated, frustrated even. I went along with it. We hung out I guess, talked I guess, watched TV I guess. I pretended to be social while internally stressing about homework I was neglecting and how much I wish I were home still. I had no one to share this sentiment with; even the most shy person in this friend group loves being included and hangs out with people any time she can. I can't begrudge them enjoying each other's company. They showed each other social media posts on their phones, made the same jokes that had been made so many times before it's a wonder people are still laughing at them.

It wasn't until we all got back in cars to go to the play that I realised how I felt about the whole thing. It felt like a waste. It felt like a waste of an afternoon. I didn't care about what they were saying, had no inclination to make future plans with them for a future date or time, felt less than connected to any of them. It felt like a waste of time, and I was irritated that none of them seemed to feel the same way. And as soon as I identified these emotions, I felt an interesting mixture of things. I shouldn't feel bad for not enjoying their company, but also they'll never know so technically it doesn't matter. Why can't I just like being around these people without a purpose? I know I must've spent time with people before without a purpose that I enjoyed. The difference, I suppose, is that up to this point I never really hung out with people. I got together with them for purposes, and sometimes I had a good time, but it's difficult to have a good time when there's no purpose and no end game. Why does spending time with people without a concrete reason always feel like such an inconvenience? Is it something I should keep doing to either keep myself from being too isolated, or is it something that will, over time, grow me into someone who will no longer despise spending time with people for no reason other than to "have fun"? I don't know. I don't know, but I'm tired of spending all my time wanting to connect with people but deep down knowing that I don't know how. I want to know how. But I also just really want to be alone because it's easier. At least alone I don't have to pretend to understand.