Shadows splayed across the floor like bedsheets
I hope to the god you don’t believe in that you are not taking me
For granted.
11:33 PM and I am glad you are not dead
I imagine speaking at your funeral and I cry in front of my mirror
You have filled something in me I did not know was empty
I hope you are not taking me
As a fool,
Someone who loves and loves and gives but
I am paper to you
(I hope not)
I am afraid of being replaced, I watch my half reflections behind the sink
She has better skin than I do and only a glass life to live
How silly that she watches me think so much without speaking,
Her lips move when mine do.
I hope your words are more concrete than the ways my ears hear them
Because if not I will fade from your life and you will not fade from mine
I do not lose people. I cannot.
11:43 PM and you are reading my old poetry, a gift against the grief
I hope it makes you laugh the way you make me laugh
I wish I did not stick to things so vocally
And I am scared of leaving and losing something so clean and full of life
I hope that you are not seeing me as
Shadows
Spilling into your life before the sun changes
I hope when the sun changes the shadows do not run
I am scared that I will be alone again
I hope I made you laugh
This is mostly nonsensical I think. Poetry can be quite nonsensical, but I cannot tell if it is good or not. I cannot tell if my own poetry is good or not. It came from a genuine place in my chest and I hope that counts for something.
Thursday, March 30, 2017
Sunday, March 19, 2017
rats in the attic
There are rats in the attic (scritch scratch) and they live right above my room. I can hear them up there all the time.
I got accepted into Sarah Lawrence College in New York!!!!! They offered me full tuition in mostly grants!!!! It feels fake, honestly. I did all my applications so last minute and Sarah Lawrence is such an expensive school and I honestly think (scritch) it's perfect for me. I will hopefully be able to visit on the accepted student day on April 10th, and then I can get a feel for the area and see if it would work for real. I just...AHHH. They're giving me a ton of financial aid to go there????? THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS IN AID TO GO TO ONE OF THE MOST EXPENSIVE SCHOOLS IN AMERICA TO WRITE AND ACT AND LIVE 30 MINUTES OUTSIDE OF NEW YORK CITY FOR FOUR YEARS. It doesn't feel real.
I'm working on forgiveness and the just world fallacy. I feel weirdly betrayed by life that this guy got a huge scholarship to Boston University and he has a girlfriend and seems just super happy. It's not that I'm not fine because gracious I've been so lucky lately, but part of me wishes he would like, I dunno, suffer more for messing me up so much emotionally. I bet he's forgotten by now. I need to focus on myself, and not let it affect me, but I have such a fear of failure and of people I dislike being more successful than me that I can't get over it. I mean, I can and I will and I'm going to have to, but it's irritating a bit, yknow? I dunno, it's weird.
Sometimes when I pray I get this (scratch tap) weird panic that my atheist friends are right and there's no higher power or anything and that the only things I'm praying to are the rats in my attic. I don't think that's true, I really don't, but sometimes I think about it.
I hope this Sarah Lawrence thing works out. Wouldn't that be fantastc???? Imagine: me, writing and acting just outside of NYC. Wow. I feel warm and peaceful thinking about it, like it's gotta work out. I keep psyching myself out that I won't act or whatever, yknow? That I'll tell people I want to act but then something will come up and I'll do something else, but here's the thing. What else would I do? I'm going to write regardless, that's not a question, (scratch scratch scratch tap scritch scratch scrape tap) but the acting is weird because I've only been doing it for like 2 years and who's actually successful with acting, yknow? Why should I be different. But then I realise that performing is the only thing that really fills me up besides the gospel and writing. What the heck else would I do with my life.
I got accepted into Sarah Lawrence College in New York!!!!! They offered me full tuition in mostly grants!!!! It feels fake, honestly. I did all my applications so last minute and Sarah Lawrence is such an expensive school and I honestly think (scritch) it's perfect for me. I will hopefully be able to visit on the accepted student day on April 10th, and then I can get a feel for the area and see if it would work for real. I just...AHHH. They're giving me a ton of financial aid to go there????? THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS IN AID TO GO TO ONE OF THE MOST EXPENSIVE SCHOOLS IN AMERICA TO WRITE AND ACT AND LIVE 30 MINUTES OUTSIDE OF NEW YORK CITY FOR FOUR YEARS. It doesn't feel real.
I'm working on forgiveness and the just world fallacy. I feel weirdly betrayed by life that this guy got a huge scholarship to Boston University and he has a girlfriend and seems just super happy. It's not that I'm not fine because gracious I've been so lucky lately, but part of me wishes he would like, I dunno, suffer more for messing me up so much emotionally. I bet he's forgotten by now. I need to focus on myself, and not let it affect me, but I have such a fear of failure and of people I dislike being more successful than me that I can't get over it. I mean, I can and I will and I'm going to have to, but it's irritating a bit, yknow? I dunno, it's weird.
Sometimes when I pray I get this (scratch tap) weird panic that my atheist friends are right and there's no higher power or anything and that the only things I'm praying to are the rats in my attic. I don't think that's true, I really don't, but sometimes I think about it.
I hope this Sarah Lawrence thing works out. Wouldn't that be fantastc???? Imagine: me, writing and acting just outside of NYC. Wow. I feel warm and peaceful thinking about it, like it's gotta work out. I keep psyching myself out that I won't act or whatever, yknow? That I'll tell people I want to act but then something will come up and I'll do something else, but here's the thing. What else would I do? I'm going to write regardless, that's not a question, (scratch scratch scratch tap scritch scratch scrape tap) but the acting is weird because I've only been doing it for like 2 years and who's actually successful with acting, yknow? Why should I be different. But then I realise that performing is the only thing that really fills me up besides the gospel and writing. What the heck else would I do with my life.
Monday, March 13, 2017
good enough
UIL was on Saturday. We went up to the school at 6:30, took a bus up to North Crowley High School where the competition was, and didn't get back to the school until after 8 that night. What a day.
We took show gifts to everyone in the morning. There are 8 schools competing at district, and all of us bring little baskets of goodies and things to the other schools, so those of us from our company who had been in UIL last year as well took our baskets out to everyone. Most schools were really friendly, and Martin was mostly standoffish, so that was a bit weird but at least we were being nice. Later that day, seeing a few of them individually they were friendly, so it might have just been the group mentality. They don't really mingle with other schools much.
The day. We had a classroom for our school, and everyone had their stuff set up with mirrors. There was food and people were playing chess and cards. We had this crocheted Frisbee we threw around. People would play music, and Isaiah played the piano for a while. At one point we played some Hamilton and half the guys were dancing around singing along. It took me ages to curl all my hair for the show. Everyone was pretty energised. Before 3:30, we had all gotten into costumes and were working on British dialects for the show for a while. Victor put on relaxing music and we all laid down or sat or slowly wandered around the room with the lights off. People would speak up mentioning notes we had to think about for the show, so in this meditating we were all reminding each other of things we had to keep in mind. I felt so connected to everyone, like we'd truly become a single organism. After that, we all stood in a circle for our little warm up thing we always do. At the beginning of when we started doing the circles, people would hold hands flat for the most part and stood essentially next to the same people every time, but by competition day we had gotten to the point where anyone would stand next to anyone and we were all weaving fingers when we held hands. We closed our eyes and people would pass the energy around by squeezing someone's hand and seeing how quickly we could get the squeeze back to the original person. After that, we said a prayer, and then Emely looked at us and said her little thing that she always says. "I just want y'all to know that the force is with you, and it will always be with you". Then we all sung the beginning of that one Star Wars song (dooo DOOOOO, do-do-do-DOOOO-doooo, do-do-do-DOOOO-doooo, do-do-do-doooooo). Then we got in a football huddle and swayed back and forth going "hoo, ha, hoo, ha, hoo, ha" starting at a whisper and slowly getting louder and louder until we all put our hands in the middle and said "all for one and one for all and all for the love of the stage!" while jumping up and down. I have never loved a group of people more. Then we went to the cafeteria for warm ups. We all did vocal warm ups and we ran through the beginning of the show to get it in our systems before going on stage.
The show. The set up was open curtain, so we had to get all the columns up and chairs set and everything with the people in the audience watching. We were quiet and organised and got it all set in under 6 minutes. We waited in the wings stage right while the woman introduced our show. The audience was so full because it was the last show of the day so loads of the other schools had come to watch. Jarod called places and we went on in the dark. Kenzie and I held hands on either side of the center pillar, then let go when the music started. And we did the show. It was high energy and the audience was amazing. They laughed and really got into it. Tech worked flawlessly, the transitions went smoothly, people's dialects were mostly all there. When it was over they cheered. They exploded into clapping and they cheered as we walked off stage and Tyler told us later that a lot of them even stood. We got a partial standing ovation for a competition piece. It was incredible. The break down went smoothly and we efficiently got everything off stage and back into the truck. Then we rushed back to our room to change for awards. Christian and Caitlan and Alyssa and some other people from UIL last year came to see us and it was amazing. I love and miss them so much.
The awards. We didn't care what happened to us, and I'm serious. We wanted to advance obviously, but we had had such a beautiful day and such a beautiful show that we didn't really mind what happened because we knew that we had done well. Tyler got an all-star tech award (we found out later that we got outstanding tech award as well), Patrick got honourable mention cast, Kenzie got all-star cast (along with Josh Goodman from Martin who did not look happy). Some guy from North Crowley got best actor, and I got best actress!!!!! It was incredible, it really was. When I sat back down I cried. I was sitting with a group of people I loved more than anything and they were all patting me on the shoulders and clapping and grinning ear to ear and I felt so at home. Best actress of all the girls in all 8 shows. I know it's just district but it meant so much. These judges had told me I was good enough. I'm good enough to stand on that stage and be seen. I can't explain how that felt.
The aftermath. We got things to write on and came back into the auditorium after awards, and one of the judges came to give us notes. He loved the show so much and he had hardly any negative notes. He said I was, that everything I'd done from my movement to my dialect to the way I transitioned between scenes was brilliant. I cried a lot. That guy texted me to tell me congratulations and said that the Martin company was "smitten with my excitement on stage" and how I was getting up on my tippy toes during awards because I was so happy. That was nice. We got first from every judge. During the awards ceremony, they just announced the advancing schools in no particular order, but afterward we found out that we got first from every judge, North Crowley got second, and Martin got third. What a day.
We took show gifts to everyone in the morning. There are 8 schools competing at district, and all of us bring little baskets of goodies and things to the other schools, so those of us from our company who had been in UIL last year as well took our baskets out to everyone. Most schools were really friendly, and Martin was mostly standoffish, so that was a bit weird but at least we were being nice. Later that day, seeing a few of them individually they were friendly, so it might have just been the group mentality. They don't really mingle with other schools much.
The day. We had a classroom for our school, and everyone had their stuff set up with mirrors. There was food and people were playing chess and cards. We had this crocheted Frisbee we threw around. People would play music, and Isaiah played the piano for a while. At one point we played some Hamilton and half the guys were dancing around singing along. It took me ages to curl all my hair for the show. Everyone was pretty energised. Before 3:30, we had all gotten into costumes and were working on British dialects for the show for a while. Victor put on relaxing music and we all laid down or sat or slowly wandered around the room with the lights off. People would speak up mentioning notes we had to think about for the show, so in this meditating we were all reminding each other of things we had to keep in mind. I felt so connected to everyone, like we'd truly become a single organism. After that, we all stood in a circle for our little warm up thing we always do. At the beginning of when we started doing the circles, people would hold hands flat for the most part and stood essentially next to the same people every time, but by competition day we had gotten to the point where anyone would stand next to anyone and we were all weaving fingers when we held hands. We closed our eyes and people would pass the energy around by squeezing someone's hand and seeing how quickly we could get the squeeze back to the original person. After that, we said a prayer, and then Emely looked at us and said her little thing that she always says. "I just want y'all to know that the force is with you, and it will always be with you". Then we all sung the beginning of that one Star Wars song (dooo DOOOOO, do-do-do-DOOOO-doooo, do-do-do-DOOOO-doooo, do-do-do-doooooo). Then we got in a football huddle and swayed back and forth going "hoo, ha, hoo, ha, hoo, ha" starting at a whisper and slowly getting louder and louder until we all put our hands in the middle and said "all for one and one for all and all for the love of the stage!" while jumping up and down. I have never loved a group of people more. Then we went to the cafeteria for warm ups. We all did vocal warm ups and we ran through the beginning of the show to get it in our systems before going on stage.
The show. The set up was open curtain, so we had to get all the columns up and chairs set and everything with the people in the audience watching. We were quiet and organised and got it all set in under 6 minutes. We waited in the wings stage right while the woman introduced our show. The audience was so full because it was the last show of the day so loads of the other schools had come to watch. Jarod called places and we went on in the dark. Kenzie and I held hands on either side of the center pillar, then let go when the music started. And we did the show. It was high energy and the audience was amazing. They laughed and really got into it. Tech worked flawlessly, the transitions went smoothly, people's dialects were mostly all there. When it was over they cheered. They exploded into clapping and they cheered as we walked off stage and Tyler told us later that a lot of them even stood. We got a partial standing ovation for a competition piece. It was incredible. The break down went smoothly and we efficiently got everything off stage and back into the truck. Then we rushed back to our room to change for awards. Christian and Caitlan and Alyssa and some other people from UIL last year came to see us and it was amazing. I love and miss them so much.
The awards. We didn't care what happened to us, and I'm serious. We wanted to advance obviously, but we had had such a beautiful day and such a beautiful show that we didn't really mind what happened because we knew that we had done well. Tyler got an all-star tech award (we found out later that we got outstanding tech award as well), Patrick got honourable mention cast, Kenzie got all-star cast (along with Josh Goodman from Martin who did not look happy). Some guy from North Crowley got best actor, and I got best actress!!!!! It was incredible, it really was. When I sat back down I cried. I was sitting with a group of people I loved more than anything and they were all patting me on the shoulders and clapping and grinning ear to ear and I felt so at home. Best actress of all the girls in all 8 shows. I know it's just district but it meant so much. These judges had told me I was good enough. I'm good enough to stand on that stage and be seen. I can't explain how that felt.
The aftermath. We got things to write on and came back into the auditorium after awards, and one of the judges came to give us notes. He loved the show so much and he had hardly any negative notes. He said I was, that everything I'd done from my movement to my dialect to the way I transitioned between scenes was brilliant. I cried a lot. That guy texted me to tell me congratulations and said that the Martin company was "smitten with my excitement on stage" and how I was getting up on my tippy toes during awards because I was so happy. That was nice. We got first from every judge. During the awards ceremony, they just announced the advancing schools in no particular order, but afterward we found out that we got first from every judge, North Crowley got second, and Martin got third. What a day.
Friday, March 10, 2017
uil
The one act play UIL competition is tomorrow. I'm so nervous and so excited. I love my UIL company so much and I am so proud of everything we have done with this show. I love theatre. It fills me up in ways I didn't think possible since leaving dance. I am tired and I am scared and I am content.
Wednesday, March 8, 2017
closure and disappointment
My titles are starting to sound like this is some sort of daily blog situation where I keep you updated with every insignificant detail in my life. Maybe not. I have no idea.
Anyway, so the A key keeps not working right and I'm irritated a bit because the keyboard was just fixed what the heck. Naturally, I have an obscene amount of homework but I'm here instead. I went to see a play at Martin last night and it didn't super blow me away. It's a competition piece, so I was worried it would psych me out before saturday because their play is so much better than ours or something. But I feel pretty fine. It didn't stun me, yknow? It was really screamy and angry mostly the entire time. There wasn't a lot of build because they started so loud and high strung that they didn't have anywhere to go really. I didn't feel any love between the characters, and I didn't really care about the characters at all. I dunno, maybe they'll fix it by saturday, but as it stands I feel like we're more or less on par with them.
This guy's rebound was there. She's not cute in person at all, and I cold shouldered him when he tried to talk to me. After it all I saw that he changed his avi on twitter to a selfie of the both of them, and she's on his snap story a lot still. He can do what he wants, man. I know it sounds like I'm still into him because like, I'm still talking about it, but I promise I'm not into him. He just worked his way into my life this year and I like knowing what's going on. It hasn't even been a month since he ended things with me, and I think it's gonna take me a bit longer to fully stop caring about the things he does. I would love to be his friend and still talk to him, but his weird manipulative and toxic behaviour makes that pretty difficult. Our parting of ways is for the best. And I feel much better having seen them both in person. I doubt she even knows I exist, even though her probably-almost-boyfriend was obsessed with me for ages. Whoops. Life comes at ya fast.
I have neglected so much homework. So much freaking homework. We've had marathon days for monday and tuesday, which means we performed our one act play for every class period for two days, and teachers were allowed to bring their classes to watch it. I haven't gone to class, and today I think I definitely failed a math test. I'm slipping. I care about theatre too much, I don't sleep enough, and I hardly ever get my homework done until after the deadline. It's disappointing. I'm disappointing. I should be better at managing my time, at getting things done even if I don't care about them, at not generally just sucking at everything. Gracious, I hate it. I wish I were better and I don't know how to fix it.
I gotta do homework, pal. Like, all of it. Spring break is coming and I have so much due today and tomorrow. Yikes.
Anyway, so the A key keeps not working right and I'm irritated a bit because the keyboard was just fixed what the heck. Naturally, I have an obscene amount of homework but I'm here instead. I went to see a play at Martin last night and it didn't super blow me away. It's a competition piece, so I was worried it would psych me out before saturday because their play is so much better than ours or something. But I feel pretty fine. It didn't stun me, yknow? It was really screamy and angry mostly the entire time. There wasn't a lot of build because they started so loud and high strung that they didn't have anywhere to go really. I didn't feel any love between the characters, and I didn't really care about the characters at all. I dunno, maybe they'll fix it by saturday, but as it stands I feel like we're more or less on par with them.
This guy's rebound was there. She's not cute in person at all, and I cold shouldered him when he tried to talk to me. After it all I saw that he changed his avi on twitter to a selfie of the both of them, and she's on his snap story a lot still. He can do what he wants, man. I know it sounds like I'm still into him because like, I'm still talking about it, but I promise I'm not into him. He just worked his way into my life this year and I like knowing what's going on. It hasn't even been a month since he ended things with me, and I think it's gonna take me a bit longer to fully stop caring about the things he does. I would love to be his friend and still talk to him, but his weird manipulative and toxic behaviour makes that pretty difficult. Our parting of ways is for the best. And I feel much better having seen them both in person. I doubt she even knows I exist, even though her probably-almost-boyfriend was obsessed with me for ages. Whoops. Life comes at ya fast.
I have neglected so much homework. So much freaking homework. We've had marathon days for monday and tuesday, which means we performed our one act play for every class period for two days, and teachers were allowed to bring their classes to watch it. I haven't gone to class, and today I think I definitely failed a math test. I'm slipping. I care about theatre too much, I don't sleep enough, and I hardly ever get my homework done until after the deadline. It's disappointing. I'm disappointing. I should be better at managing my time, at getting things done even if I don't care about them, at not generally just sucking at everything. Gracious, I hate it. I wish I were better and I don't know how to fix it.
I gotta do homework, pal. Like, all of it. Spring break is coming and I have so much due today and tomorrow. Yikes.
Wednesday, March 1, 2017
1:02 am
Homework! I should be doing it! I am, but not currently! All the tabs are opened though and I'm in the process of it all! Wow, exclamation points make me sound so peppy even though I can barely keep my eyes open!
Jealousy is weird. I've watched this guy rebound onto some other girl and they subtweet each other and she was on his snapchat story earlier. I'm not technically jealous because I don't want what she has. I've cleared my head and my hormones enough to see the whole situation was better for ending the way that it did. He and I would not have worked and, quite frankly, I'm too good for him. He was always too self-obsessed, not good enough at listening to understand, just manipulative enough that it was stressful but not enough that I could call him on it. It's not jealousy of her (gracious, kid, the best of luck to you. You seem to be quite infatuated with him, so I hope he treats you well), and it's not even jealousy of him. I wouldn't want to move on so quickly, whether it be as a rebound or whatever else. I think there's a lot of value to being let down and letting the absence of love and attention wrap its arms around you, to let your body sink into the sand and grit of the ocean floor and stare up through the crisp glittering ribbons of current to where the sun chops the waves to bits so far above you. To let the water get into your ears and mind and brush your hair out into a feathery mop of cloud for the fish to live and dream in. There is a quiet solace to being alone and not dying. To breathing in the silence without drowning.
So I don't know what I'm feeling, not exactly. I feel slighted, I guess. Insulted, a bit. This either means that he was lying to and using me, and that when we didn't work out he had no trouble moving on to his next target, or that he wasn't lying to me but now he's using this poor girl for a rebound and to possibly make me jealous. Both situations suck. He's been ignoring me, so at least I don't have to worry about conversation with him right now. I just don't understand why he acts like he's God's gift to mankind and that all of us are waiting around, just dying to date him. It's nonsensical. Agh, I'm so much prettier than him too, if we're focusing on shallow stuff as well.
Anyway, gotta do more homework. It's 1:18 am and I dunno how much more I'll be getting done. At least half, I hope.
Jealousy is weird. I've watched this guy rebound onto some other girl and they subtweet each other and she was on his snapchat story earlier. I'm not technically jealous because I don't want what she has. I've cleared my head and my hormones enough to see the whole situation was better for ending the way that it did. He and I would not have worked and, quite frankly, I'm too good for him. He was always too self-obsessed, not good enough at listening to understand, just manipulative enough that it was stressful but not enough that I could call him on it. It's not jealousy of her (gracious, kid, the best of luck to you. You seem to be quite infatuated with him, so I hope he treats you well), and it's not even jealousy of him. I wouldn't want to move on so quickly, whether it be as a rebound or whatever else. I think there's a lot of value to being let down and letting the absence of love and attention wrap its arms around you, to let your body sink into the sand and grit of the ocean floor and stare up through the crisp glittering ribbons of current to where the sun chops the waves to bits so far above you. To let the water get into your ears and mind and brush your hair out into a feathery mop of cloud for the fish to live and dream in. There is a quiet solace to being alone and not dying. To breathing in the silence without drowning.
So I don't know what I'm feeling, not exactly. I feel slighted, I guess. Insulted, a bit. This either means that he was lying to and using me, and that when we didn't work out he had no trouble moving on to his next target, or that he wasn't lying to me but now he's using this poor girl for a rebound and to possibly make me jealous. Both situations suck. He's been ignoring me, so at least I don't have to worry about conversation with him right now. I just don't understand why he acts like he's God's gift to mankind and that all of us are waiting around, just dying to date him. It's nonsensical. Agh, I'm so much prettier than him too, if we're focusing on shallow stuff as well.
Anyway, gotta do more homework. It's 1:18 am and I dunno how much more I'll be getting done. At least half, I hope.
thoughts
I'm using my dad's laptop to do homework because it works, but now I won't be able to google the pdf of my economics homework during the day to get the answers without doing it all the way through myself.
I've barely gotten anything done until the last minute. I'm too tired all the time. I get distracted and then I fall asleep without having done it. I can't fail any classes this semester because then I won't be able to do theatre and it's the only thing I care about.
I wish I weren't as good at telling when my dad has been drinking. It makes my mom sad. He slept on the couch last night and I don't know if it's because he felt guilty or because he was just tired and fell asleep out there. He does that sometimes.
I wish I were better. Just in general. I am so painfully inadequate and I can't really do anything about it.
My Math IA was due almost two weeks ago now and I still haven't done it. I wish I cared more.
I don't know what to do with my life, legit. I'm afraid to follow what I think I want to do because what if I'm not good enough and what if I'm wrong and what if I'm not happy.
I can't tell if I'm happy, or just too tired to be sad.
I've barely gotten anything done until the last minute. I'm too tired all the time. I get distracted and then I fall asleep without having done it. I can't fail any classes this semester because then I won't be able to do theatre and it's the only thing I care about.
I wish I weren't as good at telling when my dad has been drinking. It makes my mom sad. He slept on the couch last night and I don't know if it's because he felt guilty or because he was just tired and fell asleep out there. He does that sometimes.
I wish I were better. Just in general. I am so painfully inadequate and I can't really do anything about it.
My Math IA was due almost two weeks ago now and I still haven't done it. I wish I cared more.
I don't know what to do with my life, legit. I'm afraid to follow what I think I want to do because what if I'm not good enough and what if I'm wrong and what if I'm not happy.
I can't tell if I'm happy, or just too tired to be sad.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)