1:02 am

Homework! I should be doing it! I am, but not currently! All the tabs are opened though and I'm in the process of it all! Wow, exclamation points make me sound so peppy even though I can barely keep my eyes open!

Jealousy is weird. I've watched this guy rebound onto some other girl and they subtweet each other and she was on his snapchat story earlier. I'm not technically jealous because I don't want what she has. I've cleared my head and my hormones enough to see the whole situation was better for ending the way that it did. He and I would not have worked and, quite frankly, I'm too good for him. He was always too self-obsessed, not good enough at listening to understand, just manipulative enough that it was stressful but not enough that I could call him on it. It's not jealousy of her (gracious, kid, the best of luck to you. You seem to be quite infatuated with him, so I hope he treats you well), and it's not even jealousy of him. I wouldn't want to move on so quickly, whether it be as a rebound or whatever else. I think there's a lot of value to being let down and letting the absence of love and attention wrap its arms around you, to let your body sink into the sand and grit of the ocean floor and stare up through the crisp glittering ribbons of current to where the sun chops the waves to bits so far above you. To let the water get into your ears and mind and brush your hair out into a feathery mop of cloud for the fish to live and dream in. There is a quiet solace to being alone and not dying. To breathing in the silence without drowning.

So I don't know what I'm feeling, not exactly. I feel slighted, I guess. Insulted, a bit. This either means that he was lying to and using me, and that when we didn't work out he had no trouble moving on to his next target, or that he wasn't lying to me but now he's using this poor girl for a rebound and to possibly make me jealous. Both situations suck. He's been ignoring me, so at least I don't have to worry about conversation with him right now. I just don't understand why he acts like he's God's gift to mankind and that all of us are waiting around, just dying to date him. It's nonsensical. Agh, I'm so much prettier than him too, if we're focusing on shallow stuff as well.

Anyway, gotta do more homework. It's 1:18 am and I dunno how much more I'll be getting done. At least half, I hope.