rats in the attic

There are rats in the attic (scritch scratch) and they live right above my room. I can hear them up there all the time.

I got accepted into Sarah Lawrence College in New York!!!!! They offered me full tuition in mostly grants!!!! It feels fake, honestly. I did all my applications so last minute and Sarah Lawrence is such an expensive school and I honestly think (scritch) it's perfect for me. I will hopefully be able to visit on the accepted student day on April 10th, and then I can get a feel for the area and see if it would work for real. I just...AHHH. They're giving me a ton of financial aid to go there????? THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS IN AID TO GO TO ONE OF THE MOST EXPENSIVE SCHOOLS IN AMERICA TO WRITE AND ACT AND LIVE 30 MINUTES OUTSIDE OF NEW YORK CITY FOR FOUR YEARS. It doesn't feel real.

I'm working on forgiveness and the just world fallacy. I feel weirdly betrayed by life that this guy got a huge scholarship to Boston University and he has a girlfriend and seems just super happy. It's not that I'm not fine because gracious I've been so lucky lately, but part of me wishes he would like, I dunno, suffer more for messing me up so much emotionally. I bet he's forgotten by now. I need to focus on myself, and not let it affect me, but I have such a fear of failure and of people I dislike being more successful than me that I can't get over it. I mean, I can and I will and I'm going to have to, but it's irritating a bit, yknow? I dunno, it's weird.

Sometimes when I pray I get this (scratch tap) weird panic that my atheist friends are right and there's no higher power or anything and that the only things I'm praying to are the rats in my attic. I don't think that's true, I really don't, but sometimes I think about it.

I hope this Sarah Lawrence thing works out. Wouldn't that be fantastc???? Imagine: me, writing and acting just outside of NYC. Wow. I feel warm and peaceful thinking about it, like it's gotta work out. I keep psyching myself out that I won't act or whatever, yknow? That I'll tell people I want to act but then something will come up and I'll do something else, but here's the thing. What else would I do? I'm going to write regardless, that's not a question, (scratch scratch scratch tap scritch scratch scrape tap) but the acting is weird because I've only been doing it for like 2 years and who's actually successful with acting, yknow? Why should I be different. But then I realise that performing is the only thing that really fills me up besides the gospel and writing. What the heck else would I do with my life.